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MitchWhite posts 983 — league low — and is demolished by 382. Stabby drops 1365, Xerri 262, back to first. Sinclair 206, Grundy 256, Daicos 248 all wasted on losing teams. Diamond and Wominjeka both win four in a row. Anna blames Tom.
After seven straight losses — including last week's historically tragic 1320-and-still-losing — Maddiekarp finally, mercifully, defiantly won. 1370 to 1189 over Anna's Angels15. The first W of the season. The unbeaten run for the loss column is over. The shame has been temporarily relocated. We're keeping Maddie in the last-place section because the ladder still says 12th, but the tone has fundamentally shifted. Pickett went 192 with the captain's armband (back-to-back monster weeks). J. Noble 144. D. Wilmot 134. C. Macdonald 114. O. Wines 118. F. Callaghan 100. Six players over 100. The fixture, after seven weeks of personal bullying, finally let Maddie have a Saturday. Anna scored 1189 with L. Ash going 206 — and still got rolled by 181. Maddiekarp is now 1-7. Points-for sits at 9448, more than anyone in 9th, 10th, or 11th. The ladder is technical. The narrative is celebratory. The W is in the column. The streak is dead. Long live the streak.
Round 8 of The Shiva Bowl produced the death of the most agonising losing streak in league history, the demolition of Tom's solo lead, the collapse of MitchWhite, four wins in a row for both Diamond and Wominjeka, and a 12-point thriller that almost nobody noticed. Five separate captains scored 200+ on losing teams. There is a lot to get through. We start with the only story that matters.
MADDIEKARP WON. After seven consecutive losses — after a 1320-and-still-lost-by-four heartbreak that we are all still recovering from — Maddiekarp posted 1370 and rolled Anna's Angels15 by 181 points. Pickett went 192 with the C, nudging back-to-back legendary weeks (262 last round). J. Noble dropped 144 from defence. D. Wilmot 134. C. Macdonald 114. O. Wines 118. F. Callaghan 100. Six players over 100, a 192 captain, no DNPs in the starting lineup, and a complete, clinical, oh-thank-god-it's-over win. Maddie moves to 1-7. Yes, that is still last place on the ladder. No, nobody cares. The streak is buried. The fixture, after seven weeks of being Maddie's personal nemesis, was reduced today to politely standing aside.
Anna's response to the loss was — and we are reporting this faithfully — to blame Tom. Specifically, to allege that Tom 'helped' her this week and the help was the cause of her defeat. We have reviewed the trade history, the captaincy choice, and the team selection, and found exactly zero evidence that Tom did anything other than send a thumbs-up emoji on Friday. The Angels themselves had a perfectly respectable 1189 — L. Ash 206 with the C, B. Uwland 112, Bontempelli 106, Brayshaw 101, McInerney 99, R. Laird 53. They simply ran into a Maddiekarp performance that was both inevitable and overdue. But Anna has identified Tom as the culprit and we, as a publication, are obligated to report the accusation while also noting it is completely without merit.
Now to the matchup of the round, by which we mean the matchup that decided the title race. The Diamond Zwerves rolled Tom is Team 1392-1276. Tom's first loss in five rounds. Tom's first slip from the solo lead in two weeks. And the loss came with a specific personal sting attached: there was a wager. Four vanilla slices from LaManna. Four. The most epic, delicious, sought-after treats in Melbourne, fit for a winner, owed by Tom to Zwerve, payable on demand. Tom scored 1276 with Sinclair 206 leading the way (the captain delivered), Bailey 117, Kennedy 111, Mills 111, Coleman 103 from the bench, Schultz 90. Six players over 90, a 206 from the C, and it was nowhere near enough — because Diamond posted 1392 with L. Jackson going 258, B. Dale 129, N. Newman 122, Newcombe 110, Ryan 99, Hill 95, Dunkley 90, A. Roberts 85 from the bench. Diamond is now 5-3, four wins in a row, fourth on the ladder, and the swerve has officially become a freight train. Tom drops to 6-2 and second on percentage. Stabby reclaims first.
About that. Stabby Chatfields demolished MitchWhite 1365-983 and the demolition was one of the most one-sided results we have seen in this league. Xerri went 262 with the C — the third 262 from a captain in two rounds, the second from Stabby's ruck slot, becoming a recurring mathematical phenomenon. D. Zorko 123, Heeney 110, E. Richards 105, O. Florent 105, T. Bruhn 101, B. Maynard 93. Five players over 100 and a 262 on top. Mitch, by contrast, scored 983. NINE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THREE. That is the lowest score posted by any team this season by a clear margin. M. Gawn 202 with the C did everything one human could ask of a captain. Then Prestia DNPed, Cumming 29, Humphrey 36, Clohesy 38, Sidebottom 41, Grlj 44, McGrath 49, Gunston 50, Darling 59 — a sea of double-digit scores in single-digit territory. The roster collapsed in a heap and Gawn was the only person at training. Mitch falls to 2-6 with six straight losses. Stabby moves to 6-2 and reclaims first place on percentage. Tom and Stabby are now level at 6-2, with Stabby ahead 107.3% to 105.1%.
Beneath the title race, Lachie Neale's Divorce Lawyer lost 1316-1258 to Wominjeka Warriros despite Grundy posting 256 with the C. Yes, you read that. KP's captain dropped 256 and KP lost. This is the second consecutive week KP's captain has scored 200+ in a defeat — last week Houston 206 was the highlight in a win, the week before that Cotton's Wilkie 246 was wasted, and now Grundy 256. The pattern of 'massive captain, fixture roulette' is getting hard to ignore. KP also had Houston 118 (V), D'Ambrosio 97, K. McAuliffe 99, Crisp 94, Bolton 93, Reid 84 — but Laverde 26 and L. McCarthy 51 created a hole the rest of the squad couldn't paper over. Wominjeka answered with L. Whitfield 226, McCluggage 109, C. Oliver 105, Yeo 104, Walsh 82, Worrell 82, Sicily 81, Ginnivan 89 — balanced, broad, brutal. Wominjeka is now 5-3, four straight wins, fifth on the ladder. Al's butterfly is no longer a butterfly. It is a peregrine falcon at full dive.
In the matchup of 'huge captain, complete loss', Round 8 also gave us claire vs CharlieGuerno. Charlie won 1331-1169 with Neale going 218 (C), S. Berry 156, W. Milera 110, M. Holmes 107, J. Impey 105, N. Wanganeen-Milera 104 — six contributors over 100 and the best captain return of the round (well, fourth-best). claire scored 1169 with N. Daicos going 248 from the C and most of the rest of the team scoring like they were on bench duty. W. Ashcroft 121 (V), J. Jeffrey 109, T. Sparrow 101, J. Ward 91, R. Maric 84, L. Morris 82 — fine, mostly. Then T. Atkins 71, D. Stephens 46, C. Dear 45, P. Gothard 44 — four scores under 75 in the starting lineup is terminal. claire has now had Daicos score 270, then 248, in consecutive weeks, and lost both. The lowercase is also lowercase emotionally. She drops to 2-6.
The matchup hardly anyone noticed: Catslee Spinning 1212, Cotton On Contributions 1200. Twelve points. Catslee's first win in a month and a half snapped a four-loss streak. Z. Butters dropped 224 with the C, R. Marshall 124 came on from the bench (the auto-emergency loophole strikes again), C. Petracca 117, B. Keays 96, T. Stewart 50 the only real disappointment. Cotton answered with C. Wilkie 190 (C — the second straight week as captain after last week's 246), W. Powell 109, J. Ross 99 from the bench, H. Young 96, J. Clark 73 — but with Wardlaw, Rowell, Ridley, Gulden, and Salem all DNPing on the bench, the depth wasn't there to bridge the gap. Cotton has now scored 10369 points-for through eight rounds, the most in the league, and sits 4-4 in seventh. The scoring is fine. The win-loss column is, as Jackson would put it, vibing.
The ladder after Round 8: Stabby 6-2 reclaims first by percentage. Tom 6-2 second. Then Lachie, Diamond, Wominjeka, Charlie all at 5-3, splitting positions three through six on percentage. Cotton 4-4 seventh. Catslee 4-4 eighth. Anna 3-5 ninth. claire 2-6 tenth. Mitch 2-6 eleventh. Maddie 1-7 twelfth — but for the first time in eight rounds, the points-for column is something Maddie can look at without crying.
Final stat: ten players scored 200+ in Round 8 (Sinclair 206, Jackson 258, Butters 224, Grundy 256, Whitfield 226, Xerri 262, Gawn 202, Daicos 248, Neale 218, Ash 206). Five were on losing teams (Sinclair, Grundy, Gawn, Daicos, Ash). Pickett also dropped 192 with the C in a winning effort. Fantasy is, in the deepest sense, a game where you can score 256 and still lose, and where you can also finally — finally — win.
All coaches were made available for questions. Most of them should not have been.
Q: Maddie. The streak is over. 1370. Your first win of the season. How does it feel?
“I am writing this from a different timeline. I scored 1370. I won by 181. There is a W in the column. There has never been a W in the column before. I have been telling everyone for seven weeks that the wins were coming and nobody believed me, including me. The fixture spent seven weeks personally targeting my household. Today the fixture took the day off. I am 1-7 and I am thrilled. Pickett 192 again. Noble 144. Wilmot 134. Macdonald 114. Wines 118. Callaghan 100. The team showed up. The ceiling cracked open. The drought is over.”
Q: Pickett 192 from the C. Last week he went 262. Back-to-back legendary captaincy weeks.
“Pickett is the most loyal man in football. He scored 262 for me last week and we lost by four. He scored 192 for me this week and we won by 181. He has been carrying this team since Round 1. If I could marry a captaincy choice I would. No notes. He is my guy. He stays in the C until I die.”
Q: Anna says you only won because Tom 'helped' her and that's why she lost. Comment?
“I scored 1370. I did not need help. I have spent seven weeks NOT being helped by anyone, including the algorithm, including the bye rounds, including the fixture, including the ladder. I won this on my own. If Anna wants to believe Tom is the reason she lost, she is very welcome to that theory. I will be over here, looking at the win column, which now contains a one.”
Q: 12th on the ladder still. But.
“But. The biggest 'but' in the league. 12th technically. But the streak is dead. But Pickett is on a heater. But the points-for is 9448 and that's more than anyone in 9th, 10th, or 11th. But this team has been a contender for weeks and only now is the ladder catching up. I am coming for everybody. Watch the second half.”
Q: Tom. 1276. First loss in five rounds. Lost the solo lead. And there's the small matter of the wager.
“I didn't lose this week. AFL lost. The actual sport of Australian Rules Football lost. The fixture lost. The schedule lost. Cricket probably also lost. I scored 1276 with Sinclair going 206 from the C and that's a winning score in approximately 11 of 12 weeks. This week I drew Zwerve, who scored 1392, which is a number I will personally be filing a complaint about. Tom is Team did not lose. The concept of fairness lost.”
Q: Right. About the wager. Four vanilla slices from LaManna.
“Four. Vanilla. Slices. From LaManna. The most epic, delicious, sought-after treat in the metropolitan Melbourne area. Hand-laminated pastry, custard with the texture of a small cloud, icing that should be illegal. Fit for a winner, owed by me to Zwerve, and I am — again, on the record — not happy about it. Will I pay? Yes. Will I pay promptly? Yes. Am I bitter? You have no idea. Sinclair scored 206 and I still owe him a vanilla slice. That is the timeline I am in.”
Q: Stabby reclaims first place because of your loss.
“Stabby reclaims first place because Stabby scored 1365 and Mitch scored 983, which is the most one-sided matchup of the season. I am 6-2. Stabby is 6-2. We are tied on the win column. Stabby is up 107.3% to 105.1% on percentage. The percentage is a small number. The percentage will be addressed. Next week I take care of business and the prophecy resumes. I am, however, still owed a vanilla slice by my own captain because that 206 won me precisely zero ladder points.”
Q: Anna is blaming you for her loss. Says you 'helped' her.
“I have not helped Anna in any way. I have not advised on her trades. I have not picked her captain. I have not breathed on her squad. The only contact I have had with Anna's Angels15 this round was a thumbs-up emoji acknowledging she said 'good luck' on Friday. If a thumbs-up emoji caused her to lose by 181 to Maddie, that is a story for the inquiry, not for me. I deny all charges and I demand a public retraction.”
Q: Zwerve. 1392. Four wins in a row. You took down the league leader. And there's the matter of the vanilla slices.
“FOUR vanilla slices from LaManna. FOUR. Tom is going to deliver four hand-laminated, custard-piped, icing-glazed monuments of pastry to me, personally, because his squad scored 1276 and mine scored 1392. The bet was the bet. The slices are the slices. I will not be sharing them. I will not be photographing them for the chat. I will be eating them in solitude with a coffee and a smug expression. Tom can keep the prophecy. I'm keeping the carbs.”
Q: L. Jackson dropped 258. The match-winner.
“Jackson 258! The Diamond Zwerves are now four wins in a row, 5-3, fourth on the ladder, and the points-for is 10388 — second only to Cotton, who I will also be coming for. I went 0-2 to start the season. People wrote me off in the group chat. The receipts are public. I am 5-3 with the second-most points-for in the league. The swerve was real. The swerve continues to be real. The swerve is, in fact, the only thing in this league that has been consistently true.”
Q: You said two weeks ago top four was reachable. You're now in the top four.
“Top four was reachable. Top four is where I am sitting tonight. Next stop is top three. After that, top two. After that, the top of the ladder, where Tom and Stabby are currently keeping the chair warm. I will be along shortly. Bring the slices.”
Q: Marc. 1365-983. A 382-point demolition of Mitch. And you reclaim first place.
“First. Place. Two weeks ago I shared the lead with Tom, then Anna got me, and now I'm back. Xerri 262 with the C — the most beautiful number in fantasy football. Zorko 123, Heeney 110, E. Richards 105, O. Florent 105, T. Bruhn 101, Maynard 93. Five players over 100 and a 262 on top. Mitch scored 983 and there's nothing I can say about that score that the score doesn't say louder by itself. The Chatfields are 6-2, top of the ladder by percentage, and the title race is a two-horse affair.”
Q: Xerri 262 from the C. The third 262 we've seen from a captain in two rounds.
“262 is the new 200. Pickett 262 last week, Pickett 192 this week, Xerri 262 this week. The rucks are doing things rucks aren't supposed to do. Xerri is on a heater that I'd like to see continue indefinitely. He has been a captaincy quiet hero all year and now he is a captaincy loud hero.”
Q: Tom is 6-2 also. The race is tight.
“The race is tight on wins. The percentages aren't tight. I respect Tom enormously. I expect Tom to bounce back. I also expect to remain in first. The Chatfields don't lose two on the bounce and last week's Anna upset has officially been processed and filed. Chapter closed.”
Q: Anna. 1189-1370 to Maddie. Tough one. Talk to me.
“Tom helped me. That is the start, middle, and end of this story. I had a quiet word with Tom on Friday about my squad and Tom said something — I will not say what, and I'm not going to look it up — and on the back of his ADVICE my team scored 1189 and lost by 181. This is on Tom. I want it on the record. Tom is the cause. Tom is the reason. I scored 1189 and that is Tom's fault.”
Q: Tom denies it. Says the only contact was a thumbs-up emoji.
“A thumbs-up emoji is a form of advice. A thumbs-up emoji is a passive endorsement. A thumbs-up emoji is, when sent at the wrong moment, a curse. I sent Tom a 'good luck' message and he replied with a thumbs-up and within 48 hours my team had been dismantled by Maddiekarp. You connect the dots. I have already connected them. The dots form an arrow pointing directly at Tom.”
Q: L. Ash 206 from the C. Bontempelli 106. Brayshaw 101. The team didn't lose because of one bad week.
“L. Ash gave me 206 and the rest of the squad gave me 1189 minus 206 equals 983, which is — by a stunning coincidence — the same as Mitch's entire team total. So I had Ash and a Mitch attached to him. That's not great. But it's also Tom's fault, somehow. I'm sticking with that.”
Q: Mitch. 983. Lowest score of the season. Lost by 382. Six straight losses now.
“I scored 983. I am aware. I have read the number. I have absorbed the number. The number is etched. Gawn 202 with the C was a heroic individual performance from a man who turned up to a building site nobody else clocked into. Prestia DNPed. Cumming 29. Clohesy 38. Sidebottom 41. Grlj 44. McGrath 49. Gunston 50. Darling 59. The bench was stripped, the midfield was empty, and there were absolutely zero contributors outside of the rucks and Merrett. 983. Burn it.”
Q: 2-6 now. Eleventh on the ladder.
“Two and six. Six straight losses. From 2-0 to 2-6 in six rounds. The most spectacular collapse since I last tried to assemble Ikea furniture. The squad needs everything, and the schedule has stopped offering me opportunities to climb. I am as low as I have ever been, fantasy-wise, and I am going to use this number — 983 — as a personal motivational tool for the rest of the season.”
Q: KP. Grundy 256 from the C. You score 1258. You lose by 58. The fixture continues to do you wrong.
“Grundy. 256. From the captaincy spot. Two hundred and fifty-six fantasy points by my captain. And I lost. By 58. To Wominjeka. Last week I scored 1436 and won by 271. The week before I scored 1376 and lost. This week I scored 1258 and lost. There is no consistency in fantasy football. There is only the universe sending you 256 from your captain and then arranging for the other 13 players to deliver an 84 average.”
Q: Houston 118, McAuliffe 99, D'Ambrosio 97, Crisp 94 — the squad isn't underperforming.
“The squad is fine. The squad is more than fine. The squad is going to win the league. The schedule, however, is allergic to me. I have now had Houston 206, Wilkie 246 against me, Cotton's 1535 against me, and Grundy 256 in a losing effort. I am the protagonist of a play about the cruelty of large numbers. 5-3. Third on percentage. Top three is still mine to keep.”
Q: Al. Four wins in a row. The butterfly is now a falcon. 1316 over Lachie despite Grundy 256.
“FOUR. WINS. IN. A. ROW. From 1-3 with the season in the bin to 5-3 with four straight Ws and a top-five spot on the ladder. The cocoon was a chrysalis was a butterfly was a falcon and is now an eagle. Whitfield 226 was the difference. McCluggage 109, Oliver 105, Yeo 104 — the team is firing across every line. KP can have his Grundy 256 in his loss column. I'll take my five contributors over 100 and my W.”
Q: You beat a 256 captain. That's not normal.
“256 is a lot. 256 from your captain in a losing effort is a story I will be telling KP about at every opportunity for the rest of the season. The Warriros do not care about the size of the opponent's captain. The Warriros only care about the depth and the depth is bottomless right now.”
Q: Charlie. 1331-1169 over claire. Neale 218 from the C. Comfortable.
“Neale 218. Berry 156. Wanganeen-Milera 104. Holmes 107. Impey 105. Milera 110. Six over 100 and a 218 on top. CharlieGuerno is now 5-3, sixth on the ladder by percentage but tied with three others on five wins. The middle of the ladder is a war zone and I am right in the middle of it.”
Q: claire had Daicos go 248 from the C. Two weeks running she's had a captain over 240 and lost.
“Genuine sympathy. claire is the unluckiest team in the league right now. Daicos 270 last week, Daicos 248 this week, both losses. I won 1331-1169 and I feel a small amount of guilt about my margin. Small. Not large. The win is in the column.”
Q: Claire. Daicos 248 from the C. Last week 270. Two weeks. Two enormous captain scores. Two losses.
“I would like to file a formal complaint with whoever schedules the matchups. Daicos has scored 270 and 248 in consecutive weeks. The combined score from my captain across two rounds is 518 fantasy points. My team's combined record across those two rounds is 0-2. There is a glitch in the universe and the glitch is wearing a Collingwood guernsey.”
Q: W. Ashcroft 121 from the V. Sparrow 101. Jeffrey 109. Some signs of life.
“Some signs of life. Most signs of death. Stephens 46. Dear 45. Gothard 44. Atkins 71. The forward line in particular is in absolute crisis. The lowercase is in lowercase. We are 2-6. Daicos can't carry me forever. He has tried for two weeks and lost twice. I am going to trade. I have to trade. The lowercase rebuild begins immediately.”
Q: Spongi. 1212-1200. A 12-point win over Cotton. The four-loss streak is over.
“TWELVE. POINTS. A 12-point win is the closest thing to a heart attack you can have without actually having one. Butters dropped 224 from the C, Marshall came on for 124 from the bench (the auto-emergency loophole strikes again), Petracca 117, Keays 96. The squad delivered just enough. Cotton had Wilkie 190 and a lot of DNPs on the bench, and that's where the 12 points lived.”
Q: 4-4 now. Mid-table.
“Mid-table. Eighth by percentage. Streak broken at four losses. We are alive. We are rebuilding. Catslee Spinning is a team that wants to be in the conversation and a 12-point W against Cotton is exactly the kind of brick that builds the wall.”
Q: Jackson. 1200-1212. Lost by 12 to Catslee. Wilkie 190 from the C. What happened?
“What happened is I had FIVE bench DNPs (Wardlaw, Rowell, Ridley, Gulden, Salem) which is a frankly cinematic level of bye-round chaos, and the auto-emergencies could only paper over so much. J. Ross 99 from the bench was great. Powell 109. Wilkie 190 with the C. But the lineup had holes and the holes were 12 points wide. Catslee got me.”
Q: Cotton has 10369 points-for through 8 rounds. The most in the league.
“10369. The most in the league. The points-for engine is fine. The wins column is, however, vibing. 4-4. Seventh on the ladder. With the points-for I have I should be top three. The schedule has not cooperated, the byes have not cooperated, and Wilkie's 190 — his second straight monster captaincy week — was wasted. The wins will come. The maths insists.”
| # | Team | W | L | D | PF | PA | % |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Stabby Chatfields | 6 | 2 | 0 | 8975 | 8367 | 107.3 |
| 2 | Tom is Team | 6 | 2 | 0 | 9408 | 8954 | 105.1 |
| 3 | Lachie Neale's Divorce Lawyer | 5 | 3 | 0 | 10105 | 9522 | 106.1 |
| 4 | The Diamond Zwerves | 5 | 3 | 0 | 10388 | 9905 | 104.9 |
| 5 | Wominjeka Warriros | 5 | 3 | 0 | 9733 | 9323 | 104.4 |
| 6 | CharlieGuerno | 5 | 3 | 0 | 9998 | 9687 | 103.2 |
| 7 | Cotton On Contributions | 4 | 4 | 0 | 10369 | 9481 | 109.4 |
| 8 | Catslee Spinning | 4 | 4 | 0 | 8876 | 9038 | 98.2 |
| 9 | Anna's Angels15 | 3 | 5 | 0 | 9295 | 10152 | 91.6 |
| 10 | claire | 2 | 6 | 0 | 8278 | 9014 | 91.8 |
| 11 | MitchWhite | 2 | 6 | 0 | 8651 | 9917 | 87.2 |
| 12 | 🚨Maddiekarp | 1 | 7 | 0 | 9448 | 10164 | 93.0 |