MY MATES MEDIA

We need to talk.

Specifically, the editorial board of My Mates Media needs to talk about what we published last Wednesday under the headline 'ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?' — a Round 2 preview in which we dedicated approximately 400 words to explaining, in granular and deeply personal detail, why Tom is Team had a zero percent chance of winning his Round 2 matchup against Catslee Spinning. We described his roster as 'a missing persons board.' We compared his projected score of 353 to 'a moderate sneeze.' We asked whether Spongi would 'simply field ten players against a man with three and call it sport.'

Tom won 504-376.

We would like to formally, publicly, and with as much institutional humility as a publication called 'My Mates Media' can muster, apologise. Not to Tom — he doesn't deserve the satisfaction — but to our readers, who trusted us to provide accurate pre-round analysis and instead received what can only be described as a 400-word jinx wrapped in statistical overconfidence.

## The Anatomy of an Apology

The delay in publishing this Round 2 recap is not, as some have speculated in the group chat, because the editors 'couldn't handle being wrong.' It is because the editors were physically incapacitated by the events of Sunday evening. Our senior correspondent was found staring at the AFL Fantasy app at 11:47pm, refreshing a page that had already finalised, whispering 'two hundred and forty-four' over and over. Our statistical modelling department — a single laptop running Excel — submitted a formal letter of resignation that read, in its entirety: 'I give up. Nothing means anything. J. Sinclair is a defender.' The unpaid intern who operates the news ticker simply went home and hasn't been heard from since.

Spongi, to his immense credit, did activate Gladiator Mode. This was the one question we posed in the preview — would Spongi strip back to a skeleton crew and honour the spirit of the bye round? He did. He fielded four players. Tom fielded four players. It was the most honourable 376-504 loss in the history of competitive sport. Spongi's C. Petracca scored 138 — a genuinely excellent individual performance. But Tom's J. Sinclair scored 244 from the defensive line, a number so absurd that three separate members of our editorial team initially assumed it was a data entry error. It was not. It was a real man playing real football and scoring real points that resulted in Tom is Team — the man we gave zero percent — winning a game of fantasy football.

## The Numbers That Broke Us

But Tom's miracle was merely the emotional centrepiece of a round that seemed determined to humiliate every prediction we've ever made. Consider the following numbers: 288 — Z. Butters, playing for KP's Lachie Neale's Divorce Lawyer, scored two hundred and eighty-eight fantasy points in a single round. For context: that is more than Stabby Chatfields (340) and claire (218) scored between their entire teams, combined. One man outscored two complete rosters. Butters was the engine behind KP's stunning 1316-1189 upset of The Diamond Zwerves, who had been given a 93% win probability. Zwerve's J. Caldwell fought back with 212 and it wasn't even close. 256 — H. Sheezel, representing Jackson's Cotton On Contributions, dropped 256 points from the forward line in a performance that elevated Cotton On to 1393 total — the highest team score of the 2026 season. Jackson's J. Steele added 138 from the mids while C. Wilkie contributed 107 from defence — it was a full-team demolition. Maddiekarp, who was the 59% favourite going in, was obliterated 1393-1170. Maddie is now 0-2 in rounds where she was projected to win. 254 — M. Gawn, anchoring Mitch's MitchWhite, put up 254 from the ruck to power a 1163-1057 upset over Wominjeka Warriros. Mitch is now a quiet 2-0 and nobody seems to be paying attention. We recommend they start. 216 — M. Bontempelli, leading Anna's Angels15, scored 216 in the only result that actually went to form. Anna beat CharlieGuerno 1260-1141 in what our analysts have described as 'the one matchup that didn't make us question reality.'

## The Gladiator Mode Grand Final

We previewed Stabby Chatfields vs claire as 'the Gladiator Mode Grand Final' and, for once, the preview was accurate. Marc had two players: E. Richards (188) and T. Xerri (152). Claire had two players: D. Stephens (132) and T. Nankervis (86). Combined, the matchup featured four athletes and 558 total points. Z. Butters scored 288 by himself. The implications of that comparison are left as an exercise for the reader.

Marc moves to 2-0 and into third on the ladder — a position he occupies with 1573 total points for the season. Cotton On Contributions scored 1393 in a single round. Marc fielded just two players this week — fewer than most coaches have on their bench. The word 'efficient' has never been used so generously.

## What We Got Right

In the interest of balanced journalism, here is a complete list of things My Mates Media got right in the Round 2 preview: 1. Anna was going to beat Charlie. 2. Stabby was going to beat claire. That's it. That's the list. Two out of six. A 33% accuracy rate. Our statistical modelling department (may it rest in peace) has confirmed that a coin flip would have outperformed us. A golden retriever with access to a laptop — the exact metaphor we used in the preview — would have predicted better outcomes. We have no excuses. We have only regret, and a news ticker that needs updating.

My Mates Media will return with Round 3 coverage, assuming any staff members return from personal leave. Tom is Team's press conference has been voluntarily extended to four questions due to what Tom describes as 'the greatest week of my coaching career.' Our coverage of this win has been involuntary.